Breastfeeding & Pumping: Should I keep trying?

When I got pregnant with Victoria, I was SO excited and one of the things I was most excited about was the breastfeeding journey I had planned and expected to have with her. To bond with my baby and give her the nutrients that she needed! In my mind, something so natural just seemed like the only option I cared to consider. When day 3 postpartum, then day 5…and then day 12 passed and my milk still had not “come in” I started to get worried. Not to mention, she wasn’t latching. I had a lactation consultant who kept encouraging me to do what she suggested I do. All that is fine and good but when baby won’t latch but then when she finally did, my milk was still no where to be found. Why isn’t my body producing the milk for my baby? I waited and waited. Ended up having to supplement with formula because she started to not have wet diapers and dirty diapers. There are a couple reasons (because I’m trying to wrap my head around the fact that my body isn’t making milk) that could be why my body isn’t doing what it’s supposed to. 1, she was born 3 weeks early. Some say delivering early can cause milk delay. 2, I had a bile leak and that caused bile to leak into my blood causing infection. So a few articles said your body, when you have an infection of any sort, your body won’t produce milk to protect your baby from getting anything he/she shouldn’t get until the infection has left the body. Is it either or both of these? I don’t know. Maybe it is something else entirely.

Eventually, (I had started pumping early on ) my milk finally came in somewhat about 2 weeks later, I was able to produce about 3oz in a 24 hr period and then one day, despite pumping around the clock, trying to make her nurse, I have stopped producing milk as of about 3 days ago. It’s so hard for me mentally to wrap my head around why the milk supply decreased from the already pitiful supply. I am now producing MAYBE 1/2 teaspoon of milk, each side, every other pumping session. That hurts. I can barely look at the measly supply without bursting into tears. I was getting that one good pumping harvest enough to give my baby one of her meals. My supply has been skimpy from the get go and with her unwilling to nurse, it's just been sad. I am still currently pumping because I haven’t been able to let go in my heart. Is it over? Should I keep pumping?? Most of my pumping sessions the last 3 days are empty. I guess I’m still hoping that one day it’ll just start flowing?? At what point do I give in? If I have to let go of this, how to I not feel bad, guilty, and completely devastated about it? Maybe I’ll never be at peace about it. Although I pray God will give me the peace. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be for Victoria to nurse for what ever reason. It’s hard to understand the things that you’re faced with when everything is so new and you’re suddenly unsure of everything.  I wish there was a definitive answer or a way not to be so emotional about this. It hurts when it’s something I wanted so badly and it would seem I really am just physically unable. Am I just postpartum and it’s really not that big of a deal? Maybe my hormones are making this a bigger deal than what it is? Maybe I’ll look back when she’s 5 and thriving and be able to laugh at how upset I had been? Is 6 weeks too early to give in? It’s been the hardest 6 weeks of my life trying to make my body do something it clearly isn’t wanting to do. Victoria has no desire or want to latch and nurse. She has randomly nursed here and there a couple times and it had given me false hopes haha but never has it been consistent like I had hoped. She’s skin to skin with me all day when we’re home and I just don’t understand. I don’t know why I have all of these questions and who I’m asking or if I’m just tossing them into the wind but I’m just getting the thoughts down and out there….

Victoria is currently super happy and on her formula and ultimately is very healthy and gaining weight and not at all concerned about breastfeeding. Haha. The only slight consolation to this whole deal.

If you’ve come here and have read to this point, thanks for reading. This is hugely out of my comfort zone. I usually do not talk about things that I am going through (personality quirk) but I felt like I had to get these thoughts out there before I started to go crazy. Haha. Thanks again for reading and feel free to share your thoughts or weigh in if you have had a similar experience and how you coped with your desicion or what you did that helped your boost your supply? If your desicion was to stop breastfeeding and pumping altogether, is there a way that helped you not to feel sad or guilty about it all?

Cheers,

Cassandra